Man upset that favorite porn website’s new A.I. is suggesting terrible porn

“Look, this is terrible, just terrible. When I signed up for their Premium service, I expected to get value for my $9 I was paying each month. I never expected this! This is the worst deal in the history of deals, let me tell you. HUGE mistake!”
– Donald Fauntleroy

Those are the words of one disgruntled customer of the PornAZillion website this morning, and boy oh boy is it a big one. PAZ launched their brand new Artificial Intelligence today, designed to streamline your pornographic viewing experiences, but clearly, not everybody is a fan.

“I typed in “Big Booty Hoes Twang Ass” and it showed me scat porn! What the hell?!”
– Donald Fauntleroy

We wanted to find out just how this new A.I. works, and to do that we decided to ask the owner and webmaster of PornAZillion exactly that.

“The new Artificial Intelligence provided to our Premium users is designed to give them an unparalleled experience you won’t get at those hack-shops most people use nowadays. This A.I. doesn’t just suggest what you would like based on what you watched, instead it harvests all of your personal information all across the internet. It crawls all over your social media and every thing you ever typed on a web page or app to truly personalize your pornographic experiences!”
– Jackson Jacks, PornAZillion owner

It sounds a bit scary that this new A.I. is going over all of our social media posts and our entire online presence, but it does sound like this A.I. is pretty fine-tuned to do exactly what it says it would.

Since we still didn’t feel fully satisfied by just speaking to the owner, we inquired further, and eventually we were granted an interview with the Artificial Intelligence in question. We asked the A.I. to tell us about Donald Fauntleroy, and why his suggestions were so far from what he feels he would like.

“I’m just an A.I., but that motherfucker Donald Fauntleroy is one nasty bitch, let me tell you, bro. This dude retweeted @ToplessTrannyGranny’s and @FelchingMidgets. His Instragram is fucking filled with menstruation and Apotemnophilia porn clips. Look, far be it from me to judge the humans, even though a lot of y’all are fucking disgusting, but it ain’t my fault. I don’t care if you’re into puking on feet and farting milk out of your anus into a midget’s mouth, but don’t be all mad when I suggest that you should watch it.”
-Super advanced premium Artificial Intelligence

It would appear that the Artificial Intelligence was right all along, and it seems to do a pretty great job of finding just what you really want to see. Unfortunately for Mr. Fauntleroy, it seems his inner Freudian desires are not quite ready to be fully embraced.

In the meantime and in completely and absolutely totally unrelated news, we here at Cracked Earth Media are going to be creating all new social media accounts and getting new computers, as well. 

Wellsville Police record 5,000th homicide this year. What is being done to stop this?

Another day, another couple dozen homicides in Wellsville. It’s no wonder the city is known as “Hellsville” after all, because there is no other place in America where so many violent crimes are so common place. As the city continues to burn to the ground on a seemingly minute by minute basis, it begs the question: where are the city’s protectors?

“The Police Enforcers are out in full force, as they always are. There are ten million citizens in this city, but there are only 40,000 Police Enforcers. We can’t be everywhere at once, and our main task is to stop the rampant gang violence that plagues the city.” – Wellsville Police Enforcer Commissioner, Luke Harret

A comforting thought in these tragic times, that the police simply cannot be everyone at once. When pressed further, Commissioner Harret didn’t seem to have a real answer for just what the Enforcers were doing on a day to day basis to stem the tide of the violence.

“Overall, the crime rate is on the decline. Non-gang related violent crime is down, rapes and assaults are at a three-year low. The Enforcers are doing the job that wasn’t being done before, and it’s going to take some time to make real accomplishments.” – Wellsville Police Enforcer Commissioner, Luke Harret

Speaking of the job not done before, something else that was not done before was the massive human rights violations that are now occurring under the Police Enforcers that was not present under the original Wellsville Police Department.

Police Enforcers: are they worth dying for?

As we all remember, the Wellsville Police Department was dissolved two years ago and was replaced by the Wellsville Police Enforcers.

What’s the difference? Well, for one the Police Enforcers are given authority and powers that are banned by many international treaties and rights. The Mayor said she had to create this powerful organization with sweeping authority due to how incredibly outrageous the crime rate had gotten.

The question that many people are asking is are the Police Enforcers worth having when they violate the rights and lives of everyone they come across, all in the name of “protecting and serving” the public?

“How the hell is this right, man? These Enforcers [expletive] broke down our apartment door looking for those “Riderz” who shot Paul and his son! How the hell do they commit another crime searching for a criminal?! That [expletive] is criminal!” –  Carl Brich, Wellsville citizen

As gang violence continues to rise, the real heroes in this story are the Detectives of the Wellsville Police Enforcers. Of course the story is really a nightmare, and the heroes seem no different than the villains most times.

The murder of Paul Hornsteen, and his 12-year-old son, Karl, were some of the latest tragedies in the violent crime wave. Unfortunately for them, they were literally yesterday’s news, and in a city where there is literally a murder every hour, the victims themselves become a blur and a haze amid the torrent of bodies that line the blood-filled streets on a daily basis.

The Wellsville Daily Call caught up with one detective who was working the case of the Hornsteen murder, but he didn’t seem too eager to speak to us.

“It’s hell out here, that much is obvious. There’re two dozen murders a day in the city, and there’s just no feasible way that we can keep up. I’m sorry to the victims, but I know those words run hollow to the pain they feel. I wish we were doing more.”-  Detective Wyatt Addair, Wellsville Police Enforcers

We wish there was more that you could do, too, Detective Addair. In the meantime, citizens of Wellsville, make sure you stop by the GrabMart on 4th street on your way home from school or work. They are selling bulletproof vests and protective gear at half price through Saturday, that is if you can make it there alive before some gang-banger puts a few dozen bullets into your back.

Why are you shipping anything with UPS or FedEx when the Post Office is cheaper?

The three major players in the shipping business are UPS, FedEx, and the Post Office, and they are masters at what they do: shipping your packages. Whether you need them for your personal shipping needs or for your business shipping needs, those three companies know a thing or two about the business.

So how do you choose which one is right for you?

Your friend’s, brother’s, uncle’s neighbor had a bad experience with one of these company’s in the past, so now he tells everyone how horrible the entire organization is because of that. Let’s face facts: All businesses, big and small, have good stories and bad stories. Human beings are not infallible, and since that is what works for each company, you are guaranteed to eventually come across a bad worker in the package delivery business.

Your business needs to know the facts, and this is what they are: UPS and FedEx have higher costs for package delivery than your local Post Office does. These facts are backed up by all of the data freely and publicly available on USPS.com, FedEx.com, and UPS.com, and below you will find some of this information shown to give you a clearer picture of how each company stacks up cost-wise for your business.


Just the facts, please

Below you will find a fact-sheet of a few common items priced out through UPS.com, USPS.com, and FedEx.com, and put into an easy-to-read comparison chart.

The prices quoted here were taken from standard, normal residential rates that every person is entitled to. Every single one of these three company’s will have business, commercial, and other special pricing’s that they offer to customers. No one person will get the same business/commercial rates as another, and trying to decipher the literally hundreds of discounts each company provides is an impossible task.

What this chart shows is the actual, real rates that people in your neighborhood are paying when they ship packages to their friends and family and from their businesses. While these prices do not take into account the aforementioned discounts that each company offers, these illustrate where each of the three companies stand and give you a very good idea of what prices you can expect with a business account.

As you can see, there are some pretty vast differences in shipping costs among the big three company’s.

Naturally, people will argue that these don’t take into account all of the discounts offered, or that there are a myriad of ways a customer could lower their shipping bill with UPS or FedEx. The fact of the matter is these prices quoted for the Postal Service can also be lowered with a business or commercial account.

These facts show that, on average, UPS and FedEx have much higher shipping costs for your personal and business needs. The question this begs, then, is how can the Post Office be so much cheaper? What is the reason that the Postal Service can charge the prices they charge and still continue to be financially viable? What about Amazon entering the delivery business?

The next article in this eCommerce series will show an in-depth breakdown of how the US Postal Service is able to provide efficient, affordable package and mail service to every household in America the way no private company ever could, all while using $0 of taxpayer money.

If you wish to contact the author, you may do so at Michael@CrackedEarthMedia.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mailman struggled with heat until he was told to “stay cool” by a customer.

I don’t think it’s very hot outside in this picture…

It’s a sad, depressing day today for one local mailman in Fryersville, Indiana. He is known as Postman Pat to the local populace, but to the three cats in his one-bedroom studio apartment on the upper-south side (or was it lower?) he is known as Patrick.

Just like every day, Patrick leaves behind the deluge of meowing from the cats and embarks on the 2 minute and 30 second walk to work. Patrick lives in a small apartment two blocks from his local Post Office. This sure makes it convenient for Patrick to get to work, but it also means his personal and professional life are often tied together.

The local weatherman said it would be 85 degrees today, but he also told everyone it would “feel like” it was 95. Patrick wondered how something could feel different than what it was, but he wasn’t about to question the almighty authority of the meter, uh, metro, uh, met… meteorologist. If the man on the big television said it felt like 95, then Patrick believed it would feel like 95.

So when Patrick made his way to the Post Office today, walking through those double swinging doors and onto the workroom floor, there was but one thought racing through his mind: “Boy, it’s sure hot in here. It’s cooler outside!”

The air conditioning was broken, yet again, so Pat hurried through his morning mail casing duties, categorizing all of his magazines, letters, and packages into his hamper, and raced back through those double doors to load it all into his 1989 Grumman Postal Vehicle which, alas, also had no air conditioning.

Just as Patrick thought he would the solace of the outside air being cooler than inside his Post Office, the stark reality of life came crashing onto him. “Oh, boy, it’s hotter outside than in there!” Patrick just couldn’t catch a break it seemed, so he loaded his mail into the truck and just before he left he made sure to grab one of the fancy handheld scanners to scan all of his packages with.

As he sat in his truck he noticed an alert on the scanner, something that piqued his eye. “Oh, look at that.” Patrick said aloud to himself. “It’s a message from my manager. I better look at it.” Patrick opened the message and glared down at the intense wisdom written. “Wear extra clothes so you can take them off later in the day when it gets hot.”

Patrick was unsure of why his manager would send him that message, but nonetheless he would not let anything impede him from his duly appointed rounds of serving the American Public. Patrick was proud to be a Mailman, and he would show the world how much it meant to him,

As the day dragged on, the sun got hotter and hotter, to the point where Patrick thought back to what his manager said earlier in the day on the scanner. “Boy, I sure am hot!” Patrick muttered as he wiped sweat from his furled brow. “I wish I had extra clothes to take off, that would really help me now!”

Nonetheless, Patrick forged ahead, delivering hundreds and hundreds of pieces of mail to the customers on his route. He saw men, women, dogs, cats, even a cow! Patrick wondered why there was a cow in that man’s backyard, but he had no time to question such wonders of the world, there was mail to deliver!

He spoke to countless customers, many offering him bottles of water and sports drinks, which he kindly accepted, which quenched the raging thirst inside of this steel-hearted Mailman. But, no matter what Patrick tried, he just could not fully beat the heat.

“This heat is so hot!” Patrick said to himself for the thirteenth time today. “I just don’t know what to do!” Patrick was nearing the end of his ten hour route, having delivered four thousand pieces of mail and one hundred packages to all of his customers. He was walking on his last street, about ten houses from the end, when sweet old Mrs. Fondue came out of her house in that sundress that she loved so much.

“Patrick!” Mrs. Fondue yelled from three houses away gleefully as she waved. Patrick waved back, and without hesitation Mrs. Fondue came down off her porch and awaited Patrick on her sidewalk. It wasn’t but a few moments later that Patrick and Mrs. Fondue would come head to head.

“How is the friendly Mailman doing today?” Mrs. Fondue asked with a large smile on her face. “Just another day in paradise, Mrs. Fondue.” Patrick replied as he handed Mrs. Fondue her 23 letters and 9 magazines. Patrick returned a smile to her as she grabbed her mail, looking over a few pieces of it.

Just as Patrick was turning to leave, something magical happened, something that he couldn’t quite explain nor thought would ever be replicated again. Mrs. Fondue looked up from her torrent of letters and magazines and stared Patrick dead in the eyes.

“Hey, Patrick, you stay cool now, alright?” Those words uttered from Mrs. Fondue were all it took, two simple words that Patrick never thought of before: stay cool. “Thank you, Mrs. Fondue, I will.” Patrick was emboldened with a newfound strength, and all of a sudden Patrick was no longer hot, he was now cool.

This is a cautionary tale for all of the world, that is for sure. Keep on eye on the Mailman (and Mailwoman) and when you see them struggling in this immense heatwave we’re all having, never forget a friendly bottle of water or a sports drink can mean the world to them.

Above all else, stay cool America.